A couple of weeks ago when we wrote up some research showing the difficulties women face being both assertive and liked at the office, we quoted experts out of Stanford who recommend confident ladies “self-monitor” how masculine they appear. Reader was unsatisfied, noting “I would love to see more specifics.”

is right. Simply saying “self-monitor” without examples or details really isn’t that helpful, so we called up Linda Babcock, one of the researchers mentioned in the post, for more specifics.

Speaking from her office at Carnegie Mellon University, Babcock first underlined the importance of women learning how to assert themselves with a startling number. Fail to negotiate a higher starting salary just once at the beginning of your career, she said, and due to raises being calculated from a lower starting point, you can expect to leave $1-2 million on the table in the course of your working life.

Feeling motivated to learn to assert yourself and negotiate without harming your relationships? Babcock explained how to go about it, but first offered an explanation of the taller hurdles women face when trying to advocate for themselves:

The last thing I want to be doing is blaming women for not negotiating. There are reasons that we choose not to negotiate. It��s not just that we��re being silly. Society does come down harder on us.

We put extra hurdles in the way for women. You cannot be too aggressive. For men, the style they use to negotiate doesn��t really affect other people��s impressions of them. If a man is very aggressive, people think: ��Oh, he��s a go-getter, he��s ambitious.�� If he��s a little more laid back, that��s just his style. We just don��t have so many preferences about how men do things, but we do have pretty strong preferences as a society — men and women -�C about how women negotiate and assert themselves on their own behalf.

It��s also true that those things are going to take a long time to change, so in the meantime we��re going to have to learn how to be effective negotiators and not piss too many people off at the same time.

So given the cultural difficulties women face when they negotiate, how can a strong businesswoman get what she wants without alienating people? Babcock explains:

You have to use what��s called a cooperative negotiation style. This is a very effective style for men and women — it��s what we teach students in every professional school in the country. So it��s not like you have to use some style that��s not effective. You just have to be careful that you engage the negotiation in a cooperative, problem-solving way rather than as a battle.

Let��s say you think you think you deserve a promotion at work. What you wouldn��t want to do is go into your boss and give an ultimatum: ��You either give me a promotion or I quit!�� I wouldn��t recommend that for men or women, but men are more likely to be able to get away with that sort of aggressive behavior, but it��s going to come back to bite more women.

That��s a war — you��re going to win or I��m going to win. What women should do instead is talk to your boss about your aspirations: ��Here��s where I want to be. How can we figure out a way so I can get there?�� You��re engaging the other side in problem solving with you, because the best negotiators really are problem solvers. They don��t lay down the gauntlet — sometimes you have to get there eventually — but at first it��s: ��How do we solve this problem so it meets both of our needs?��

It��s a slight reframing of the situation and you end up using a lot different language — we language rather than you versus me. That really helps to reinforce this impression that you��re a person they can work with and you��re in this together.

Babcock also points out that learning to negotiate well is a long process — much like fitness training for your body — and involves plenty of work. A class is a good place to start, but follow up with reading and practice and you should get better over time.

Do you find the cooperative style recommended by Babcock to be most effective?

Office Politics for Strong Women: How to Be Assertive and Liked The Nice Girl��s Guide to Negotiation 5 Rules for Negotiating a Win-Win Deal

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